Today I was watching a video on vlogbrothers where Hank Green talked about 15 of his favorite feelings. Each video is only four minutes so any one of his favorite feelings only would have lasted a little more 15 seconds on average.
Near the end of his video, he said something that struck me. One thing that he didn’t find enjoyment in was watching people whom he thought were bad people for one reason or another (e.g., they’re jerks), seeing them suffer or fail at something didn’t bring him any joy. Whether they failed at something or succeeded at something, neither made him feel good. It was a paradoxical feeling to explain.
A long time ago, maybe 20 years, I remember seeing an actress win an award for something. I can’t remember the actress or the awards show, but I remember what she said. She went up to deliver the acceptance speech and jokingly said “A long time ago, I used to think that if I ever won an award, I would get up here and name each of the girls who were mean to me in high school. But I’m not going to do that.” And she didn’t. And that statement has remained with me to this very day.
I remember thinking at the time that if I ever got the chance to name-and-shame people who picked on me in high school and junior high, you’re darn right I would do it. That’s what I thought way back then and I never forgot it.
I was picked on by someone every year from the time I was in Grade 7 up until my last year in Grade 12. And it was someone different each year (except one guy who did it in Grade 9 and then did it again in Grade 12). I never once did anything to instigate this because I always kept to myself, people just did it. And I hated them for it.
Wait. Is “hate” too strong a word? I can’t actually remember how I felt but I’m pretty sure I would have hated them at the time.
The question now is that if I got the chance to stand up at an awards ceremony like the Academy Awards, would I name-and-shame the people who picked on me?
No, probably not.
I don’t think it’s because I’ve gotten over it, though. It’s only because I know that it would reflect badly on me and that I am supposed to have gotten over it, and I want to avoid the social disapproval. I’m not sure if I have gotten over it or not. I don’t think about the people who did pick on me, I can only remember the names of 3.
Hmm, maybe that’s a clue.
Okay, so I wouldn’t name-and-shame them. That much I can admit. But let’s suppose we were at a high school reunion. Next year will be 20 years for me (can it really have been that long?). Would I voluntarily go up to these people who were unnecessarily cruel and start up a conversation with them?
Could I do it? Yes.
Would I do it? Probably not.
I’d make an excuse to myself like “Oh, there are plenty of other people here to catch up with. I can just talk with them. After all, they were my friends back in the day, I only have limited time to see everyone, so let’s see them instead. It’s a better way to spend my energy.”
That’s how I would rationalize it to myself.
If I’m honest with myself, that’s how I think I would behave. I wouldn’t go out of my way to introduce myself to them, and I might actually go out of my way to avoid them. Even though people change, the impression they made on me was so negative that my conscious mind can’t suppress the resentment lodged in my subconscious mind.
I would have to force myself to do it. And you know what? It would probably not be as bad as I think it would be. But my natural introversion coupled with the strongly negative emotional experiences would most likely cause me to be antisocial towards people who were previously mean to me.
It turns out I do hold grudges. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.